Beware Burnout

Burnout is very real. If a wise old man sees you shuffling down the street with deeper pockets than cargo shorts underneath your eyes and a slight sway in your step, he might playfully ask “burning the candle at both ends?” And you might think, “shut the fuck up, old man”. I mean you won’t say it (I hope you don’t), but you’ll think it as you smile and thriller walk your ass to your bedroom so you can power nap off your 19 hour shift so you can do it again in about (checks watch) three hours.

Ladies and gentleman, if this is you, then you’re gonna hit burnout harder than Wile E. Coyote hitting a painted train tunnel on the side of a mountain.

Burnout really fucked me up. A quick synopsis of my life. I graduated from college in ‘13. I guaranteed myself I was going to make it in the movie industry in a few short years. All I had to do was just write: Every. Single. Moment. So when I use to work at a Yacht Club, I would hammer away at scripts in between driving members to their boats. When I was a cable technician in NYC, I would take my laptop and write in my truck (while parked, of course.) When I was a lead manager at a sound stage in Brooklyn, you guessed it, I wrote at my desk and occasionally peered over my screen when something was going down (to potential employers, I’m a very solid worker.)

But I would spend hours writing, watching movies, making shorts with friends and colleagues, editing videos for YouTube and Instagram, learning about color correction, read my favorite scripts, constantly take pictures so I can learn about shot composition, sound mix, act here and there, and then PAINTED TRAIN TUNNEL.

Here’s the thing about Burnout. You don’t really know about it until after the fact.

When 2018 rolled around I was out of it. I just wrapped on my biggest short film to date. I was sitting at my desk scrolling through the dailies and I couldn’t concentrate. I got up. Shut off the lamp on my desk, and didn’t return back for over two and half years.

It took me two and a half years to recover from my burnout.

To be honest, I can’t answer what was it that gave me the super street fighter II turbo finishing lights (although if you’re reading this and saying “everything, stupid” then you’re not wrong.) But all I knew, at that moment was, I really couldn’t get myself to work. Every time I tried to write or edit, my brain would auto correct itself to something else. “Why write an episode of a series when you can just watch a series. On your couch. In your comfy shirt. With a beer?” Can’t argue with that. Every ounce of motivation, all of the creative juices and drive I propelled into my work for years just vanished. And just like that, my easy few year plan to get into the industry was on pause.

You see, burnout doesn’t expose itself right away. It silently attacks you. It gets you right where it wants you and as you try to bring yourself back up it hits you with a sniper shot. You don’t know where it came from, but it hits you dead center. I tried to write countless of times, but the urge was completely gone. This started to aggravate me. I thought was a failure. That I lost the “It” factor that got me to where I wanted to be. I couldn't understand why I went from writing almost every moment, flying by act breaks and turning point to become someone that couldn't even get past the first page.

It wasn't like I was staying still either. I was busting my ass putting myself through programs and working away at lower level jobs to finally land a position at a post production company. So on the surface people thought I was fine. I actually made it into the industry. But that's the thing with people, all they see is the surface.

I'm a creator and for sometime, burnout took that from me. I stopped going to movies and analyzing TV shows. My anxiety started to make it's mark (I’ll blog about that next.) I started to feel shitty, like I lost the thing that defined me. For lack of a better word, I was lost.

But how did I get over it?

Here’s the easiest and most annoying answer I can give you. Time. Little by little my sense of self came back. Stories started to conjure up and writing didn't become a chore. You just need to relax and rest. Maybe take a walk outside or speak to someone instead of cramming a few more minutes of work, before you go to work, to work some more. It wasn’t till recently when I regained my drive that I I finally put the pieces to the puzzle. Those two and half years I was burned out. That’s why I was voided of motivation.

Beware of burnout. You may think that working all-nighters all the time is beneficial, but it’s not and all you’re doing is burning the candle at both ends. Sure, you may be getting shit done now, but you’re gonna neglect your health and sanity. Take it from me. No sense of running hard at the starting pistol just to blow out your knee half way. Take care of yourself.